Knock, Knock! Child Protective Services Calling! Parental Alienation and Projections of a Psychopath

A while back I had started researching the (ab-)use of Child Protective Services in divorce proceedings by parents. weathering the stormI started talking to mental health professionals, parents who filed CPS reports and parents who had CPS reports filed against them. It is definitely a tricky subject and I was circling my thoughts on how to formulate my findings and opinions.

And then one evening last week there was the envelope on the front door from the ‘Child Protective Service Team Leader’.

Yes, a CPS complaint was filed against me.

I knew Ex was a diagnosed psychopath, didn’t realize how ill he really was. I never thought he would stoop this low in using the children against the mother. To sacrifice the integrity of the children to get his way in the divorce proceedings. Then again, his MMPI already showed that he has Anti-Social Personality Disorder and is a Parental Alienator, and his behavior patterns presented at trial underlined it.

CPS, Divorce and the truth

CPS investigators have the daunting task of finding the truth and protecting children against abusive parents. Innocent until proven guilty can be hard when they know that something is going on, yet can not formulate the evidence. These children are left hanging.

Talking with mental health professionals makes it clear that the timing of filing for divorce and making a report to CPS is significant for finding whether there is any truth to the allegations. Reports filed prior or at the start of the divorce proceeding hold more ground then the reports filed further down the road. Doesn’t mean necisarrily they are true, but they are more likely to be true. Likewise, reports filed to CPS later down the road are less likely to be true and more a tactic of a gruntled parent to get an advantage in the divorce proceedings.

CPS is inundated with cases where parents seek an advantage in the divorce proceedings. This clouds the issue and creates scrutiny when there are real issues of abuse. Divorcing parents who want to bring real abuse to light are vilified and children end up being awarded to their abusers at an alarming rate.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are parents who abuse the system.

Filing CPS reports as a Parental Alienating Tactic

Every time a CPS report gets filed against the target parent, the child gets interviewed about the target parent. While at first the child may not have a negative image of the target parent, after being questioned, even if it is about unfounded issues, the seed of doubt is created in the child’s mind.

This is a subtle, but very effective way of the alienating parent to remove the target parent from the child’s life. “See, it wasn’t me, CPS thought there was enough reason to investigate”. The alienating parent doesn’t tell the child the result of the investigation, which usually is ‘unfounded’ and the child perceives that persons of authority are questioning the ‘safety’ of the target parent. The security and love the child feels for the target parents slowly and subtly erodes.

True parental alienators have personality disorders, they will not stop until they have removed the other parent from the lives of the children. They will seek allies within friends and family, but also do not stop there, they will enlist law enforcement, the courts and CPS. Nothing new here.

Filing a CPS reports based on projections of the Phychopaths own behavior

Parents with personality disorders project their own behavior on the other parent. When I heard the allegations filed against me, I almost burst out laughing, the seriousness of the situation prevented me from doing so. One of the allegations was ‘unsanitary living arrangements with dog feces and garbage all over the house’. This comes from the man that has a rat problem in his house. Yes, you read that right, he has rats in the house. My attorney was present for the interview with CPS and he jokingly said: “Well, if he didn’t kill so many cats, he probably wouldn’t have a rat problem”. My house is clean, I showed the investigator the back of cupboards, which were organized and dust free. We live here, so yes, at the end of the day there are toys on the floor and dishes in the sink. But no rats.

The 2nd allegation was much more serious and gives much more food for thought, knowing that psychopaths project their behavior and deep inner thoughts on the other parent. “Mother takes pictures of the children in various stages of undress with the intent to distribute”.

Yes, basically child pornography.

Now why this worries me. The CPS investigator told me that the pictures he had seen had nothing of a sexual nature, but as it was reported in a phone call, he had to follow up. He agreed the pictures were from a parent taking snapshots of their child. Happy moments.

Ex’s family has a history of sexual child abuse. Within the family the grandfather has fondled the daughters, and brothers have coerced sisters to perform oral sex. Now, at this moment, I don’t believe Ex has had inappropriate relations with the children. However, the oldest is becoming of the age that sexual predators become interested in girls.

Is there anything I can do about this? No, nobody has been prosecuted for (unconscious) thoughts. We live in a free society. I have to let the CPS investigation run its course. I’m not going to muddy the water with more allegations that can never be proven.

It is absolutely vicious and evil how 1 parent tries to eliminate the other parent out of the lives of the children, over the backs of the children. When one makes such false allegations and uses the child as a weapon to disparage the other parent, you don’t really love your child.

7 Stages to Accept the Life Change Called Divorce: Denial and Anger

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” — Lao-Tzu

In my previous post I introduced the 7 stagesDenial to come to acceptance and move on after the divorce.

1. Denial and Disbelief

Denial is usually a temporary emotional defense mechanism where the person refuses to accept the reality of the situation. Some just don’t see it coming, they are absolutely shell-shocked. Denial is usually short-term.

Often when you first hear those dreadful words there is minimization. “Yeah, the marriage wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. It was stuck in comfortable mediocrity, but was it really that bad that a divorce is the only solution?” Another form of denial is projection. You acknowledge the problem, but blame the other party entirely on the demise of the marriage.

It is important that you take a really hard and close look at your marriage. Why? Because it helps you with future relationships. Look closely at the good things that were in your marriage, but don’t idealize them. Of course there were good things, otherwise, why did you marry in the first place, or why did not get a divorce yourself sooner?

Analyze the things that could have been better and how you contributed to them.This may be a hard lesson in life, but why not learn from it?

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. ” ― C. JoyBell C.

2. Anger

“How can this happen?”, “Who is to blame?”. We all get angry. If you don’t, then you are denying your emotions and that will not help you in the long run. It is ok to have (controlled) temporary anger. It is not ok to take it out on others, especially not the children. In this stage sometimes parents talk bad about the other parent, that is UNACCEPTABLE!

Anger can come in 2 forms; overwhelming and all-consuming or settled and deliberate. The first is destructive to you and your loved ones. Rarely does anything good come out of it and you need to curtail it by seeking professional help. Retaliating and seeking revenge for the hurt that was caused you, may give you short-term satisfaction, but damages too much for a long-term good outcome.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” — James Russell Lowell

The 2nd can be “constructive”, but it certainly is not an admirable trait. It can be a psychological resource to actually get things done. Angry people feel stronger and think more optimistically. They are more energetic, so go mow the lawn or finish that project that has been waiting for years.

Remember, how you express you anger is a choice that you can control, choose wisely. Accept that you will be angry, but don’t cultivate it or stay stuck.

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” — Aristotle

Next post is here.