You Speak an Infinite Deal of Nothing

“You speak an infinite deal of nothing.” ― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

6507071701_87013c3949_o Ah, yes, those emails, we’ve all received them. They make you scratch your head, thinking ‘Did I just really read that?’ Emails that make absolutely no sense, emails that have nothing to do with reality, or are completely irrelevant. Yet at the same time, those emails can be very telling. I have received some true gems in the past, and the following snippets are part of another great one. Grab a cup of coffee (or any beverage of choice) and read along with me.

“It has come to my attention that Muppet has not been attending school most of the days that she is with you…”

You mean daycare? Lets call a spade a spade, because that is what it is. Muppet is 3 years old and signed up for daycare while at Dad’s. When the girls are with me, I make sure I’m with them. As in, I actually use my parenting time to be a parent.

Shocking!

I know. I prepare their food, make sure Sweet Bee gets to the bus on time, does her homework, we do fun stuff together, dentist appointments, doctor’s appointment. You know, the usual parenting things. Apparently the child being with the Mother is an issue. It is preferred that the child be in daycare while the other parent is available.

“I had no idea the magnitude of this issue until I looked at Muppet’s attendance records… “

Oy! Houston, we have a problem! Should we send out first responders? Apparently not attending daycare but being with a parent is a real problem. The ‘magnitude of this issue’ certainly implies we are dealing with a catastrophe here! Does it surpass world hunger, wars etc? Immediate action required!

 “This is doing an incredible disservice to Muppet.  I am copying ‘Parenting Coordinator’ on this email so she can schedule a meeting for us ASAP to discuss and resolve this issue.”

Thank heavens, the legal first responder has been called. I have to admit that was a huge relief to me. Now she could read herself the crazy I’ve had to deal with. Previously I would be pointing out behavior patterns, and it was perceived that I was just trying ‘to make the father look bad’. A clear case of ‘shooting the messenger’. It is easier to discard solid evidence as misgivings from a scorned spouse, then accepting that there may be truth to it. Now it came straight from the ‘horses’ mouth’, there is no denying it now any longer. This is just how Ex is. This is not me trying to make him look bad, this is him showing his true colors.

“I would be more than happy to keep the girls more time during the week if that is what it takes to make sure they get to school.”

HD20812 There we go. Jack popped out of the box!

I was waiting for it. I knew it was coming. I’m continuously on edge waiting for another attempt at getting a change of custody. Ex can’t help it. That is part of the definition of a personality disorder; a persuasive pattern. He will continue till the end of times. Our CPS investigator said it the best; I can only hope it will subsides when the youngest turns 18.

The pattern is pretty evident. We’ve had false reports with CPS, we’ve had false criminal charges, we’ve had Ex show up during my access time with the sheriff’s to claim custodial interference.

Yes, I’m not kidding. During the divorce proceedings Ex would show up on my weekend with law enforcement, and I would have to show them the custody order to proof that it was actually my access time. Talk about really trying to sour and interfere with the other parents relationship with the children.

And that is really what it is. This email is another good example of Parental Alienation at its finest. I previously wrote about delusional parental alienators. I wrote about how they misconstrue reality to suit their perception of ‘the best interest of the child’. Here Ex thinks it is better for the child to be in daycare then be with the mother and he wants to go to bat for it.

I can only scratch my head.

But there is more. When it is his access time, Ex is not available. He puts the children with babysitters.

Alienators choose third parties over the targeted parent to care for the child when he/she is ill and/or not in school, regardless of the targeted parent’s availability and willingness to care for the child. The alienating parent will use every opportunity to keep the targeted parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or targeted parent so at times the alienating parent will hire a babysitter or choose a family member in preference to allowing the targeted parent to care for the child.” – Prof Amy Baker

To top it off, Ex does not consistently use one and the same babysitter, no, he gets whom ever is available. He goes to great length to find somebody, anybody, as long as it is not the mother.

Less than a mile away, on the other side of the block, the mother (me) is readily available to care for the kids. Yes, I’m at home, I’m available and the girls know it. By putting the children with random babysitters he is sending the non-verbal message that anybody is better than being with the mother.

And that is sad.

Ex’s feelings towards me supersede what is truly best for the kids; a relationship with the other parent. It is more important to posses the children, then for them to be with Mom. The delusional alienator can not differentiate between their own wants and needs and that of the children.

And Ex doesn’t have a clue, he does not see how he is harming the children with this behavior. It is his reality. That is why it is called the delusional alienator, they egocentrically confuse their own issues with what really goes on and they can’t ‘snap out of it’, they are not sensitive to reasoning. They refuse to see it any other way than their way.

And so the story will continue. Part of a personality disorder is that history will repeat itself. Over, and over, and over, and over………

Ad Infinitum, ad nauseam.

 

3 thoughts on “You Speak an Infinite Deal of Nothing

  1. hi. so you started following me on twitter and that brought me to this website. The weird thing is I’m a male in a shared residence arrangement (equal time) and its rare but in this case since i work from home and am very flexible its actually working out really well. I have limitless empathy for you and can only imagine what you’re going through and have been through this myself. My situation was very complex and the funny thing was…i landed first on this post on your page and i’ve actually been through the exact same situation. I wanted my child to be attending the nursery more whilst in my ex’s care and i would take him whilst in my care as well. The thing is..we had a private nursery and he would learn things like how to use a computer, gardening, etc and get to be in the company of other toddlers – so i saw it being positive for him. But the main fact was…i really considered it school, Legally i was completely wrong and when i saw that i dropped the subject. Thats not to say that there are some daycare centers which are not as good and in my opinion if you’ve got a good coffee group so your toddler gets the chance to be sociable – then a parent is really always the best person to do daycare. No doubt about it. I think it would be helpful to explain this to your ex. I cant speak for him. But this was what i went through. once i realised it was not “school” i let the matter drop and even started to take him there less myself and found many more fun alternatives and activities. Then its on him.

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    • And that is the difference between a healthy parent, and a personality disordered parent!

      I too have had things I thought were an ‘issue’, but after raising it, and hearing the other side of the coin, I realize I was wrong. That either the point was trivial and really not worth it, or I was just plain wrong. And it is ok to admit that.

      That is what healthy parents do! And these parents are excellent candidates for joint custody. Yes there will be issues at times, and even disagreements, but they get resolved. Sometimes you’re right, sometimes you’re wrong. Being wrong on occasions doesn’t make you a bad parent, no, contrary, being able to admit it and adjust makes you a GREAT parent!

      However, if you deal with a personality disordered parent, this goes out of the window. The definition of a personality disorder is the inability to change. They can not admit or see another’s point of view. And that is why they can not have joint custody. The continuous acrimony is detrimental to the child.

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  2. This is exactly what I experience from my ex. Only he uses his enmeshed family instead of me. I’m a teacher and my schedule follows the children’s, yet he will get anyone but me to watch the kids. Or cut his hours so less child support is taken from his check and to look like super dad. I can’t stand the super dad mask. He is only super dad when the kids are with him, but could care less when they are with me.,

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